Breakthroughs are not easy things.

I have struggles like everyone else. I have weaknesses and parts of my life that I wish would go away. I have parts that I wish were not the way they are… parts I wish were better… and parts that I never want to go away. It is part of the natural cycle of life. We go through these stages that come at us and we go on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. We see the hard times and we become depressed, or we lose hope. These are the times we cry out to God and ask him why the world is the way it is. We start to see all that is wrong in the world and start to ask questions about it.
Then we get to another part in life… The clouds break up, the sun starts to shine through and it looks like it may not be so bad after all. Maybe this is some work of God in your life. Maybe it is something you have been praying about and it has just worked out. Who knows. I don’t even know if enough people read this blog to make it worth it to be honest. But it helps me get my thoughts out there, even if no one is actually reading them and taking them in. Anyway, the clouds break up and we move on, everything is going really good there is possibly a spiritual high going on in our life… we have made a major breakthrough. This is possibly at some sort of retreat or like I said earlier something that you have been praying about has finally worked out after a long period of questioning and wanting.
Then we get those times where everything is kind of just… for lack of a better word, normal. Nothing amazing seems to be happening, but nothing is going really bad either. These are the times it seems we kind of “do everything right” but to the bare minimum. We pray, read our bibles and go to church, but only as much as we maybe “have to” (not that we really “have” to do any of it). But nonetheless everything just kind of happens we go through life one day at a time and just enjoy it.
We all have these basic three stages not to mention the middle stages between all these stages. Yet, these seem to be the three main areas of life where we seem to fit at any given moment. Right now, I would have to say that I am in the first stage mentioned. Like I said I have my struggles like everyone else, life is not easy… it is not always fun… and it does not always make us feel very good. I hate to break this to you if you think that it is all peachy. This is part of the reason why my blogging has slowed down, I am going to try and keep it up and going at least once a month if I can from now on if you are wondering. Anyway like I said there is a lot that goes on in this world and we seem to notice a lot of the bad things that are going on instead of the good things that are happening, and I believe there are just as many, if not more, good things as bad things going on. Yet, we focus on the bad things, in the news, in the media, in our own heads. Everywhere it just seems that if it’s bad, tragic, horrible, disgusting, evil even, we take notice. What about all the good? Why do we not take notice of all that?
Have you ever been watching a movie, or maybe even listening to a song, and just gotten this feeling that it is something good. Maybe it is your favorite Disney movie, or maybe it is an amazing guitar rift or maybe it is the harmony in a song or maybe you are just enjoying nature… anything, but there are those moments where we feel something in the deepest part of us. At the core of us we know something has been stirred by this “magical” feeling and we cannot get enough of it… so we watch the movie again, or we replay the song, hike another mountain. We just want as much of this “magic” as we can get, there is something there that intrigues us, that we know deep down that there is something truly GOOD there. Not lower case good, like you would answer if someone asked you how you are doing, but upper case GOOD, perfect almost, maybe even holy? I know that I have felt this on numerous occasions, and then it ends and leaves me wanting more. This is one of the hardest feelings that I have to experience, because I know that there is something more than just the movie or the lyrics or the harmony there. There is something deep down that resonates with this idea that the prince finds his princess. There is something deep down that resonates with those lyrics. There is something deep down that resonates with the beauty of the sunset, the rain, the stars, a campfire! Something deep inside stirs and I cannot sing the song loud enough, I never tire of watching the end of the movie (maybe the rest, but not the end), I never tire of looking at the stars or watching that sunset. This GOOD feeling seems to give us a glimpse of heaven. Of everything coming back to perfection, of things being the way they should be. It seems almost too good to be true. It is different for everyone too, someone might get this feeling from one song and someone else may hate that song, but there is something out there that gives everyone this feeling. I struggled with that. I struggled with the fact that this feeling could not last, that it would always end, and nomatter what happened I could not make it last. That my life was not that movie where the credits could role and everything just happens to end perfectly. I questioned God, “why do all good things seem to end… why do all good things seem to not last, or not happen at all?”
Then one night as I was praying to God and trying to find out why this was, asking the same question over and over I got this pain in my chest, unlike anything I have ever experience ever! It was the most unbearable pain I have ever felt in my life, I was rolling around clutching my chest and bawling uncontrollably because of the pain in my chest… not a sharp pain, but a constant ache (yes I could still feel both my arms and I did not smell burnt toast). It was so unbearable that I just could not handle it at all, and probably lasted around 5-10 minutes. Then it finally ended, and I was left there lying in my bed breathing hard, trying to make sense of any of this… and this hit me. It may sound crazy but all of the sudden I got this idea that, God had given my a glimpse of the cross. Just a very small sample, not trying to say I know what it felt like for Jesus to be on the cross. But I think God gave me a taste of the pain, not physically but mentally and deep down. This little sample, so unbearable to me and yet just a little taste of what Jesus may have endured on the cross. Right by my heart, where he is supposed to “dwell”. Then I opened my bible, because a friend told me that would be an appropriate thing to do, I was kind of in a different state then and he steered me in the right direction. I ended up turning to this verse in Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways,” OK, OK, OK, nuff said… haha I could probably just stop right there and that would be enough. But if you have the same reaction I had its like jaw drop, eyes wide, wow response more than anything. Not in a surprise but in a, I better start listening sort of way. It definitely tuned my heartstrings a little bit, and opened my eyes a little bit to a lot of new ways of looking at things. Honestly I am still working through this tiny little verse. It is not the easiest thing to just say, “Ok God here is my heart, now what?” and if it is easy for you then you are not actually giving him your heart, your heart and your head are two different things, trust me, I know. But it is the start of something incredible, something really GOOD, and I really hope that God will bless you all with something where your jaw can drop and your eyes can be opened wide to God and that you can give God your whole heart as well as your head.

Nick Poetker

What do you want most?

What do you want most in life? This question poses a problem, there are a lot of options and only one option really. Unless you are fooling yourself there is only one thing that you can choose. For many of us we would say, " I want a comfortable life, a family, a steady job, and to settle down and eventually retire and live happily ever after." Some others might say, "I want to 'live life to the fullest" whatever they mean by that, as that alone has so many other meanings than we know. Yet, this question seems to be such a trick question. Very few would answer, "I want God" more than anything else in this whole world, more than a family more than living life to the fullest (which will happen if we have God, as he promises "life to the full") There are very few people who will actually answer this question, "what do you want most in life?" with the response, "God".
When you think about it, it is actually quite a sad thing. Christians and non-christians alike, want something in their life more than they actually want God. We may fool ourselves into thinking that "well yea Nick but besides God (the obvious) I want a family, or life to the fullest, or just to have fun." But I do not think that having God be the one thing, the one person, the one relationship that we want most is such an obvious choice anymore for many of us. We fool ourselves into believing that he is, and yet we live life by our own rules with our own plans, and act like God is a spectator who will jump in a rescue us when we are not having so much fun anymore, and then we can go on our merry own way ignoring the fact that God needs to be, in fact, the centre of our lives.
I know in my own life I have neglected to do so. I have come to the realization that at this present time I do not know what I want. I cannot honestly say that right now I want God above everything else. I wish I could but if I am going to be honest with myself and God I cannot say that. I hope and pray that I can get to the point where the one thing that i want most in this world, and out of this world is God, but I think it will take time. This is not to say I do not believe in God or follow him, yet there is a major difference between being a christian and believing, and making the relationship with God the number one priority over all else. EVERYTHING... Think about that word for a second. EVERYTHING.... EVERYTHING.... EVERYTHING. Out of all that is in this world the 6 billion some odd people, the cool new toys and gadgets, all the material object, and every hope and dream that has ever been conjured up in my tiny little brain. To be able to say that over all of that reigns God, and he is above and beyond all that is truly and utterly amazing. I cannot wait for the day when I can say it, but yes it will take time and a lot of hard work, but I think it will be worth it. Every relationship is a pursuit. There is a pursuit for the perfect relationship, where there is no fights, no quarrels, no misunderstandings. In every relationship we have we want that perfect relationship, but it will never happen. I am hoping I can catch a glimpse, and that you will join me, in getting that perfect relationship with God, and making God the thing, person, that I want most in life.

Nick Poetker

Guilty

So have you ever seen any of those lines or videos or anything where it starts out by stating how much money it would take to stop "poverty" (get clean drinking water or food to eat) and then goes on to try and guilt you by telling you how much North Americans spend on certain things... like christmas or ice cream? Have you ever seen something like this? My guess is you have. I dunno I have thought about it and as much as I am for stopping malnutrition and ending world poverty and all those wonderful things... I think these methods do nothing else but make me angry at them. I can understand that there is a lot of injustice in the world... there are a lot of people without food or clean drinking water every day and but I do not think that gives an excuse to try and make people feel guilty about it. I do not think guilt is the right tactic... now there is a difference between awareness and guilt trips. I think that people need to want to do it otherwise I do not think there is any merit to it. The people that want to do it are going to do it, and try their hardest to stop it... and everyone else is just going to read it feel bad and move on.
The problem is not eating ice cream or christmas, that is not the problem. Now understand I also believe that we do go overboard in North America and maybe should cut back on some things, but still that does not necessarily always mean that people are going to turn around and spend that on clean drinking water wells, or food for people living in these circumastance. I dunno I guess I just have a beef with people showing me facts about people and facts about my life, and trying to show me that somehow if I cut back on eating ice cream that magically that is going to transform into clean drinking water. It's unrealistic. I have no problem with people showing me facts like "eight hundred million people did not eat today"... honestly that should be enough. Unfortunately people don't think it is so they add the amount spent to buy wells and get clean water for everyone, and then compare it and it magically happens to be the same amount people spend on ice cream in a year.
I guess I am saying the people that are going to support these things are going to do it because of the stat that matters. I think it is important that we are aware of the injustice of the world and become aware of how others are living and how we are living... but I think it is going overboard and doing no good by showing these sorts of "comparisons".

Overall I think that there is a lot of work that needs to be done in my life in this area... using my money for things other than myself as well as using what I have and my talents and money and maybe using it for these things like getting clean water for third world countries... etc.

I'm Back, sorry for the wait

So, it turns out that to blog on a regular basis is really easy when you start, and then it gets a lot harder when you have such inconcistent internet (thanks bethany wireless). Anyway, the end of another school year, for me at least, sorry to all you who have to endure at least two more months of school. Well it has been a crazy sweet year, tons of fun, tons of sweet stuff going on and a lot learned, and still learning. Yet, while it comes to the end you start to look back and see what happened and where you are going from here on. To look back on this school year, it has not necessarily been easy. That actually is an understatement it has been a crawl.
Now don't get me wrong this year has been a blast, it has been incredible in so many ways, and I have met so many new people, and have been blessed with so many new friends. Yet, there is a lot of information coming in, as I have said in a previous post. I am the type of guy who needs to dwell on things in order to help make it my own. To really understand it and to be able to say that i truly do believe it, I feel that I need to test it, and see if it applies to my life, and then I feel that I can then truly believe it, and make it a part of who I am. This is not the easiest thing to do at school here. There is a lot of information, and it is all really good stuff... but it all comes at the same time, and it never stops coming. Now this is also not a bad thing, because new information is good, even reitterating things I already new is a great thing... but I hate not being able to make these ideas my own by dwelling on them.
Thinking about all this and trying to figure out when i was going to find the time to actually work through it all during the summer and up into next year, where I will get more... I came to the realization, this never stops. This SHOULD never stop, I realized that I do not think there is ever a point where we can stop dwelling on the ideas that are in the Bible, and the lessons we can learn from them. This process is how we make it our own, and to just stop dwelling on it is like saying you know it all. Well let me tell you something, there is only one who knows it all and he ain't even among any of the 6 billion people on the planet earth. (Ok well he used to be on the earth). So next time you skip a Bible story because you think you know every angle of it, next time you don't want to pick up your bible because it is boring, or because you don't understand it... Do not fret... because everyone deals with it... dwelling on these things is a lifelong process, some things we will never know, some things we will gain new insights into them. But keep looking, because God always wants to use the mundane and the "ordinary" and show you something EXTRA ordinary

Everything is Beautiful

Alright I'm back, vacations over in a big way... and well I did not win hockeyswap biggest game ever (for those of you who know what that is) I did learn alot, and still am learning a lot. I currently am in Winnipeg writing this, on a missions trip to the inner city and just going around to a teen drop-in centre, and really living in the slum, with prostitution right outside the window... literally. It is really sad to see, we actually saw two girls get picked up the other day, so I really ask that you guys pray for the North End of Winnipeg as it is, for the most part, living in poverty right now. I will talk about my missions trip more at a later date, but for this post I really wanted to just mix it up, and while I was out here one of the first days we were talking about a variety of stuff (most which I will go into later) and I was refecting on that stuff and wanted to share a poem I wrote while thinking of this stuff, so here is my poem, I know it is not near grammatically sound or anything but it is from the heart:

Everything is Beautiful.

Everything is beautiful, the sun in the sky,
the stars up above, that look in your eye,
A smile of God, with love.

All in his image, all equal are we,
All as one body, all unique and wonderful,
The beauty of the one, resonating in us,
The glory of the sovreign, of love and power.

Yet there is one other, of troubling evil,
Come to take the rose and its petals,
Come to strip all beauty of thei world,
Come with a blindfold to steal the hearts of boys and girls

Running rampade all over the earth, speaking lies and deceit,
Then love came down to show justice,,
Love came down and roamed the earth,
Love came down and along with it birth

Birth of a new day, of new songs, of joy,
Birth of a freedom to rid us of evil,
Birth of a Jesus, born in the hay,
Wandering the earth teaching love to all men

Until one day the sky grew dark,
Evil formed around all human hearts,
Stone hears prevail, for all love is lost,
All love abandoned, and nailed to a cross

A world without love, gone with three nails,
A world without love, gone with two planks,
A world without love, gone with six blows,
Just a glimpse of thsi world, NO love and No hope

Three day's are all it took, three days all feel lost.
Three days, more questions, no answers, just time.
Time to dwell on the time that was had,
The words that were spoken, no words spoken now.

No words, just silence, thinking and tears,
No words, despair, the one is not here,
No words, three days, of hate and of hell,
But three days' all it took, and where is he now?

For what is evil, but the absence of love,
And this love has the power to triumph all,
Triumph over hate and hell and all wrongs,
For now and forever, and everything already done.

Everything is beautiful, it was formed out of love,
It was formed by it's maker, if was formed with a purpose.
Everything is beautiful, evil has no pow'r
And love now runs rampade, and fills where it's not.


I pray that God will bless you with this poem today, as you read it.

Nick Poetker

Confusion?

So, it's christmas, its coming in the next day here, and it is this amazing holiday, so happy and full of joy and cheer. I am home from school for the christmas break and get to see everyone again which is really good, and it is a really nice break. Yet, I come home and I get all this time on my hands, which is good cause as I said in my first blog, it is good to work through all the information crammed into your head in three months at bible school. Yet, still, a lot of time to do.... well... really whatever you want. So I decided to rediscover my love for reading. (as much as you read at bible school, reading a "textbook" is different than leisure reading) So I started reading this book called The Shack, i really recommend it, very interesting thoughts in here. It certainly has challenged a lot of my theology, and beliefs about God, and who God. Not to say that this book is to be mistaken for the bible, but I believe a lot of what is in it does line up with the bible, and makes sense in my head. Anyway, this book was amazing for me, and really for me was a breath of fresh air, and has really helped me answer some questions that I have been fighting through, some pretaining to God's love for me, and just who God is. Not to say that this book got rid of my problems, or helped me to get rid of my problems, but it helped me to see things in a different light, and take things from a different vantage point, which has started to change who I am at the core (I pray).
Yet, there is still a lot of confusion with me right now, pertaining to a lot of things. There is a lot of questioning, and a lot of waiting.... which I am not necessarily fond of. There is still a jumble in my head, and a lot I am wanting God to do in my life, and I have a lot of expectations of myself. I would pray that you would pray for me, as I am trying to work through some things, and through some of this confusion that is going through my head. Right now, I am not the person I want to be... and I think that I still need to grow greatly in many areas of my life. Which really is the joy of life, is growing in it. But I pray that God could show us all where we need to grow, and that we would be open to him working to help us grow in that area. I have come to realize things do not change over night with God. He loves to see the progression, and the little steps turning into bigger steps... it is making the choice each day, and taking time to grow. There is so much from this book The Shack that I could blog about... I think I could go on for days about new discoveries, that God revealed to me through this man's writing, and his friends experience, whether real or not... (you will understand if you read the book) but I think it would all be better if you just read the book, and see God's revelations for yourself.

Christmas is a great time to rest, and put aside the worries that we carry with us, and refocus on God, and the great story of Jesus birth, that changes the world forever. I pray that God could show you something new and exciting in the Christmas story, and that God would be with you this Christmas. Merry Christmas and safe travelling.

Nick Poetker

New Ideas!

Well, it's been about three months here at Bethany, and so taking classes and stuff you get a bunch of information shoved into your head. With all this information you start to realize how little you actually know about the bible, and everything that is in it. (at least for me) I came out probably learning 100% more than I knew before. Yet also with this information coming in it is hard to sort through it all and make sense of it all. There is just so much coming at you there is no time to reflect on it and actually understand it, or look at it from your own personalized perspective. There is no time to make it your own, or so it seems. This kind of annoys me, because I think that the point of the bible is the relationship with Jesus, and spending time in his word in order to build your relationship with God. Yet, we get all this information crammed into your head and you get to write a final exam on it, so you get good at memorizing facts, and different words, is there actually time to make it my own? Is there time to choose what I believe out of all of it, is there room to make sense and sort it all out in my head.

I have no problem with the information, but facts are only facts. They are only pieces of information, they are only historical events, or different people's perspectives on different things. Is not the point of Christianity the relationship? Is not the point to make it my own so that I can grow in my relationship with God? That is my goal this holiday season... not to study even more so I can turn myself in even more circles and get more knots for me to work through. But to review and just take it at a slowed perspective so I can start to make it my own, and start to fully understand what I just spent three full months studying. Don't get my wrong I know the facts, but do I believe them? Do I fully understand the significance of the big picture that they represent? Not yet, not fully.... that is the goal the purpose for me, to start to sort through the knots, some of the questions that I have and start to fully realize what the big picture is, what it all means in the context of my life, and how to see it through the lens of me, Nick Poetker. I pray that this process is lead by God, and that I can make sense of some things that are confusing me, and solidify things that are wish-washy.

Nick Poetker